Cadillac_kid_15

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

Making plans

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

Wish you were here

Today, I listened to a voicemail from my mom about how she misses me and can't wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

Malding

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

How much?

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

It's a trap!

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

Horny dudes

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. Aside from falling every 2 minutes, I was apparently showing the entire mountain (including my dad) my thong every time I fell and got back up. My boyfriend saw everything and didn't let me know until we finished the 20-minute run we were on. FML

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

Today, I hosted my 6-year-old daughter's birthday party. After inviting 15 kids from her class, making a huge 2-flavor character cake, and cutting pool noodles for light sabers, only 1 kid showed up. FML

Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

Geeking out

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML