Monsieur Florida, USA 28 ans Célibataire
Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML
Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML
Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML
Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML
Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML
Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML
Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML
Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML
Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML
Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML
Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML
Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML
Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML
Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML
Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML
Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML
Today, while mowing, I found a baby bunny and took a picture of it. 20 minutes later, I accidentally ran over said bunny with the mower. FML
Today, while I thought I'd never had an orgasm, my doctor informed me that I'm actually having orgasms almost every time I have sex. They just feel like utterly frustrating, slightly painful, unpleasurable and completely unsatisfying muscle contractions. FML
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