nour_alsaadi

Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML

Sexy time

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

Hard pass

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

Keep it down

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML