FyeahPoet

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

Sexy

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FML

Contempt

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

Jump scare

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

Today, I started lactating. That would be fine if I had a kid. Or was pregnant. Or wasn't 16. FML

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

Morning!

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up terrified, scaring my roommate. What was the dream? That I'd had a panic attack because my box of Honey Nut Cheerios was torn and the bag inside was improperly folded. FML

High hopes

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

YAAAAAAAAAAAASS

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

Today, I was sucking on a candy and I began choking. A coworker rushed over to give me the Heimlich maneuver. That freed the candy from my throat, and also the shit from my bowels. FML

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

Today, after adjusting me, my chiropractor said I should stop sitting for long periods of time, because it's likely the reason for my chronic back pain. My job is as his front-desk receptionist. He yells at me if I'm not at my seat. FML

Close but no cigar

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML