RainbowSkullfuck

Today, I clogged the toilet in the one-man bathroom at the corner store, with a line of about 5 people waiting outside. FML

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

Helpful guy

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

Today, my little sister came up to me holding up my phone. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't dropped it in the toilet first. FML

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

How very dare you?

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

Delayed

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

Nearly there

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML

Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML

Love language

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML