Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML
Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML
Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML
Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML
Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML
Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML
Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML
Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML
Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML
Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, I tried to explain to my 23-year-old boyfriend the difference between "your" and "you're". I do this every other day, but it's like his head is permanently stuck in the first grade. FML
Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML
Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML
Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML
Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML
Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML
Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML
Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML
Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML
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