damnshesgood

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

Higher learning

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

Do I know you?

Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML

Genius

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

Thank you for your service

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. It wasn't too bad, until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his 15 year-old daughter, the dog. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML