steph15x15

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

Oh dear

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer had got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

Lifeless

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

Sorry

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

For whom the bell tolls

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

Knackered

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

Worried dad

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML