thatsme293

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

Where am I going wrong?

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML

Today, an old lady walked up to my car on a busy street and banged on my window. She was annoyed because I was making a left, as opposed to continuing to drive when there was no traffic in front of me. She then got in her car and held the horn until I went. FML

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

Time is a flat circle

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

Who are you?

Today, while working in a customer service call center, a customer berated me for using a fake name. He said my name is "too stupid" to be real and that no sane person would ever use it. It was my real name. FML

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

Good job parenting

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

Insult of the week

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

Today, I decided to be honest and told my husband I didn't love him anymore. It ended with a warrant for his arrest. FML

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

Today, my mom called me in a panic because someone had hacked my phone and was sending her evil faces. They were emojis I'd accidentally butt-dialed. FML

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

The price of sin

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML