En couple
Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML
Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML
Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML
Today, I realized that the only woman who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML
Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cellphone, which I had left behind in a lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years-old." FML
Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML
Today, I sat and watched the CEO of DreamWorks on TV misuse words such as "quantum". He's filthy rich, whereas I'm a savagely underpaid gardener. FML
Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML
Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML
Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML
Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML
Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML
Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML
Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML
Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML
Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML
Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML
Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML
Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML
Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML
Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML
Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML
Today, my 14-year-old sister asked me how I felt when I first had sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said, "I thought it was nice." I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, my sister and I heard a buzzing noise in our parents' bedroom, so we went to investigate. It was coming from a drawer, so we opened it. Inside, a battery-operated dildo was flapping around. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldn’t find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hardcore porn ads inside. I have been getting these since I ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
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