ToxicRanbows

Today, I realized that the only one willing to hang out with me this summer is my guinea pig. FML

We all do it. Don't we?

Today, I saw my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

It's not a competition, but still…

Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML

Drunken rampage?

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friend's house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

Today, at the office, everyone in my department swapped secret santa presents. I bought the guy whose name I picked a DVD box-set of his favorite TV series. One of my friends got a fancy make up kit. Another got a pack of posh notebooks. I got a toilet plunger. FML

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

Suavely done

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long-distance relationship, and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

Catfished

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

Imagery

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

Keep it down

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24-hour, 7 days a week, religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

Wrong end of the stick

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

Premonition

Today, I received a "Get Well Soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelled my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

Wrong 'un

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

Protip

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML