forthewynne

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

Dig this

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

Check this out

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

Saxophone solo

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 weeks showed up at my house at 7 AM. I was about to give him a kiss when he said, "Good morning, is Sarah here?" I was confused until I realized he didn't recognize me because I had no make up on. FML

Planning

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. It got hot and intense and we were really into it, until she blurted out, "Oh baby, rub your penis against mine". FML

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

Keeper

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I F*ck On First Dates". FML

Wishful thinking

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving her boyfriend's nuts. Apparently, he'd snuck in through her window. FML

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

Turn off

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

Today, a friend complimented me on my "smoky eyeshadow". I wasn't wearing eye makeup. She was complimenting the result of my insomnia. FML

Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

Today, my mother came over to my apartment for a surprise visit. It wasn't until after she left that I realized that I left a half empty bottle of adult toy cleaner on the counter in the bathroom. FML