Los Angeles
Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML
Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML
Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML
Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML
Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML
Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML
Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML
Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML
Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML
Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML
Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML
Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML
Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as, "You don't want to turn out like this." FML
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML
Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML
Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad came to drive me home. On the way back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because, "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML
Today, I picked up my new car. The dealer offered to connect my iPhone to the Bluetooth system for me. Once connected it automatically started playing the audiobook I had been listening to over the stereo system. Right on a passage which had an extremely graphic description of anal sex. FML
Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML
Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML
Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML
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