Mademoiselle The fiery pits of, Hell Célibataire
Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML
Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML
Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML
Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. I fainted due to the excitement. He took it as a "no" and won't pick up my calls. FML
Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend, when I had to go pee. Halfway down the aisle, I tripped, screamed, and fell face-first into some guy. My boyfriend is now accusing me of cheating and "flirting" with every man I see. FML
Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML
Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML
Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML
Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML
Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML
Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML
Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML
Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML
Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML
Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML
Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML
Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML
Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for two months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML
Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML
Today, I parked next to a police officer's car in a bad part of town. When I got out, I saw a bag of pot on the ground between the cop's car and mine. When I pointed it out to him, he insisted it was mine and interrogated me to the point of tears. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML
Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML
Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML
Today, I got an angry call to the phone shop where I work. The caller demanded that we give him his money back. His reason? He said he'd been tricked because his phone got ruined by water "even though he was using the waterproof application". FML
Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML
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