Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML
Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML
Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML
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