Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML
Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML
Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML
Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML
Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML
Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML
Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML
Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML
Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML
Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML
Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML
Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML
Today, I got back my history paper. The whole paper had been crossed out and at the end, my professor had written "Really?!" I still don't know what I did wrong. FML
Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I had a proper look at myself in the mirror. I have recently lost 5 lbs. Turns out that it mainly shows on my boob. Not boobs. Boob. Right one only. FML
Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML
Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML
Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML
Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML
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