angrybuffalo

Today, after spending all day begging my husband to stop playing video games and show me some attention, I finally fell asleep out of boredom. As soon as I did, he shut the game off and went to hang out with our neighbor. FML

Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

Cheeky

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother asks, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" My mom replied, "I'm a headmaster." My dad then goes, "Oh yeah, she is." FML

Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML

Today, I came home to find out my stay-at-home neighbor built his kids an awesome treehouse deck two stories up in the air. Three feet from my house. Directly adjacent to my second-floor bedroom. FML

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

Follow my lead

Today, we ran out of disposable gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

The proposal

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walked over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar, along with a note that said "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

Wake up, human!

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her I was at my dad's house, she clarified; she meant her husband of one year, not my actual father who has raised me for the past 25 years. Apparently, he feels "left out." FML

Who am I?

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

Experiment!

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML

Today, I lost my virginity. It was painful, but not as painful as my boyfriend asking afterwards: "Um... did you use to be a guy?" FML

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML