angrybuffalo

Today, a pharmacist slut-shamed me for taking birth control. I'm still a virgin, and I only take those pills to help with my acne and period cramps. FML

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

Today, my dad is obsessed with making sure that I am not in any way 'bare' in front of the windows of our house. Which is surrounded by tall trees, five metres worth of tall trees. I'm not sure whether to be creeped out that someone might see me or that my dad is unhealthily obsessed about this. FML

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

Yummy

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

Today, my boyfriend of over a year said that being in a relationship is pointless. When I responded that I couldn't picture my life without him, he said he couldn't picture his life without our cat. FML

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

Today, I was taking a quiz online called "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" I quit after two questions because I remembered I don't actually have any friends. FML

Creepypasta

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

Today, they opened a new firing range behind my housing block. No big deal, except they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. FML

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

Today, I sat in on a university-level physics lecture, listening to my hyped-up co-students approximating the hypothetical situation of the Sun consisting of gerbils. The conversation then continued towards how much better energy/mass ratio the gerbil-sun would have compared to the actual star. FML

Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML