annequenneville_fml

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

Today, I spilled the bowl of cat food I'd just filled. I picked it all up in front of my cat, but he refused to eat any of it. I had to put the food back into the packet and fill the bowl all over again. My cat is a prince. FML

Sad sad sad

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

Sensual world

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

An attempt was made

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

Today, I had such a big hiccup that I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

Today, my classmate went into rage mode and cursed at me, complaining how it's so unfair that I'm allowed to wear a hijab in class but she isn't allowed to wear a Flamingo hat. FML

Today, I learned that the only way to get my boyfriend to respond to me is through nudes. FML

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that my boyfriend lied about getting a vasectomy before we met, in spite of knowing how phobic I am of pregnancy and kids. His defense? "I figured you'd change your mind someday, because all you chicks love babies." FML

Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML