Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML
Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML
Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML
Today, I found out about my sister's insanely detailed plan to abduct my one-year-old son and raise him as her own on another continent. All my mom did was tell me not to worry because she can't afford to move that far away. FML
Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML
Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML
Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML
Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML
Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML
Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML
Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML
Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML
Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML
Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML
Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML
Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML
Today, someone accused me of stuffing my bra when some tissue fell out. I was too embarrassed to tell them I wasn't stuffing, the tissue was used to sop up my boob sweat. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend's advice and finally stood up to my very passive-agressive, rude mother. What started in a conversation about her snide comment about my outfit ended in me needing to find somewhere else to live. FML
Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML
Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML
Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML
Today, I took a two-hour bus ride to get to orientation, got stuck a block away because the pedestrian sidewalk was closed, waited half-an-hour for my ride in the rain, when someone called the cops on me for acting suspicious. I got to the interview soaking wet, and they told me they'd rescheduled. FML
Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML
Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML
Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML
Today, I noticed that both my managers completely ignored me when I told them that I'm fully booked, and can't take any more clients. Both of them scheduled additional clients. At the same. Three people from different companies will show up at my office at the same time. Yep. FML
Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML
Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML
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