Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML
Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML
Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML
Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML
Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML
Today, while trying to sleep, I heard what sounded like someone breaking into my house. I ran downstairs, only to find my cat had ripped down my blinds and was tangled up in them, thrashing around the floor like a fish. FML
Today, I T-boned a woman who pulled out of a parking lot right in front of me. According to her, the accident was my fault because she "didn't see" me. FML
Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I'm dating a puppy. FML
Today, I am still finding glitter in my ass crack after a concert last night that had a confetti cannon. Thanks Marilyn Manson, I feel so metal now. FML
Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML
Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML
Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend asked me to homecoming, in front of the whole school, knowing I have social anxiety. I was forced to say yes to not seem like an asshole. Now I can't back out. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML
Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML
Today, I found out my upstairs neighbors filed a noise complaint against me for banging on the ceiling every night. They conveniently left out the part where they constantly stomp, shout, and do stuff that sounds like they're dropping bricks to the floor every night. FML
Today, I arrived at work to find out someone had signed me up to a dating site. Apparently, my inability to speak to women has reached "boss level". Quite literally, as my boss was the one who signed me up. FML
Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML
Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML
Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML
Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML
Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML
Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
