Mademoiselle Tucson, United states 34 ans En couple
Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later, his Twitter account said otherwise. FML
Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML
Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML
Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML
Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML
Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML
Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML
Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML
Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML
Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words, "You're fired." FML
Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML
Today, for an eight-hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML
Today, I came home from a vacation. It had snowed, so I decided to shovel the front walk. While shoveling, I found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk. I tried to pick it up with my shovel, but it stuck. It won't move 'til the ice melts. FML
Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML
Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML
Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML
Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML
Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook account and changed our relationship status to single, just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML
Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML
Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML
Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, in a desperate attempt to get my business "out there", I dropped a few of my cards on a station floor. I got a call, even a quote. A $500 fine from the transit for public littering. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently, I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML
Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML
Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML
Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML
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