lucipxrr

Today, I found out that, due to the walls at my uni dorm being ridiculously thin, my entire flat overheard me lose my virginity. Spanking and all. FML

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

Let it all out

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

I can't help it

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

The Patriarch

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

Tense

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML