iunpossible

I won! I won!

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

Farm life

Today, my crush and I were volunteering at a local farm. He confessed to me that I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, I lost my footing and fell into a pile of horse shit. He just stood there, pointing and laughing. FML

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

Here boy!

Today, I found a lost dog and called the owner. When he arrived, I thought it would be cute to put the dog down so he would run back into his owner's arms, like in movies. As soon as I put the dog down, it ran away again. FML

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

It's for the best

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

Gullible

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

Close to the edge

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

Weirdo freak

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

Filth

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying, "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

Don't do drugs, kids

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

Snoozefest

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

My precious baby

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML