Today, my boyfriend woke me up the same way he always does, by pulling on my hair. Just to be playful, I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him. Turns out his brother thought it would be funny to wake people up the same way. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old, broken, and cheap." I put the tape there to avoid damaging the wires. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML
Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML
Today, someone on Facebook posted a really tiny picture that I couldn't read properly, so I responded, "What is this? A picture for ants?!" Turns out it was a commentary about rape, and now I look like an insensitive jackass. FML
Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML
Today, I was at the library. I had to use the restroom, where I ended up singing in bad, made-up Japanese the whole time. When I went back across the library, my brother informed me that everyone could clearly hear me. FML
Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML
Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML
Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML
Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML
Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML
Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML
Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML
Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML
Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I'm faking the whole thing in revenge for the fight we had yesterday. FML
Today, after three weeks of fighting with my husband, I found out that he really didn't create an account on a website for cheaters and charge the bill to his credit card. Our daughter did it as a prank, and only confessed because our fighting was stressing her out. FML
Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML
Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML
Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML
Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML
Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML
Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML
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