Mademoiselle 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I have four flights. I spent last night projectile vomiting with food poisoning. By the time I got to the airport it had progressed to liquid diarhea. Two flights in, I got my period. FML
Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML
Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML
Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML
Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML
Today, I was woken up by my teenage son pulling down my shirt and taking pictures of my breasts. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML
Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML
Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML
Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML
Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML
Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML
Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML
Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML
Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML
Today, a shopper asked me where my nipples were. Seeing as I work in Babies'R'Us, this is a common question. I brought her over to the nursing equipment aisle where she then grabbed my nipples, gave them a twist, and walked away. I need a new job. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML
Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML
Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my mom cheating on my step-dad with my real dad. FML
Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML
Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML
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