CPrime

Today, I woke up and I'm still in the Marine Corps. FML

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

Romance is corny

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

Final push

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost three months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML

Are you new here?

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

Great, I guess

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

Too little, too late

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

Today, I was breast feeding my son. Out of nowhere, he bit my nipple hard, causing me to scream in pain. He giggled with my nipple still between his teeth. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

Dorito Man

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML