Exodiafinder687

Congrats!

Today, I was at my sister's wedding reception. My boyfriend of three years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

Wait and see

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

This is awkward, guys

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

Got it?

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

You wanker!

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

Set the scene

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

Don't do this at work

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said, "You look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter, she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

Bad doggo

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML