Exodiafinder687

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

Today, I hosted my 6-year-old daughter's birthday party. After inviting 15 kids from her class, making a huge 2-flavor character cake, and cutting pool noodles for light sabers, only 1 kid showed up. FML

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5 mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

Thanks mom

Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer, saying they were having trouble getting a hold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to a place, and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

How's he doing?

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told." FML

Thanks a lot!

Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

Collector's item

Today, my girlfriend bought me a new hockey jersey and donated my old one. My old one was signed. FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Today, I had to call out of work due to my house flooding. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boss promptly accused me of lying because "the others from your town made it in today." I didn't realize we all lived together. FML

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, who I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML