Monsieur Ontario, Canada 30 ans En couple
Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML
Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML
Today, my boss praised me for always ranking first at work and how she hopes I keep it up for a long time. I then had to awkwardly hand her my letter of resignation. FML
Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML
Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML
Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML
Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML
Today, during a soccer game, some utter moron got the bright idea of trying to score a goal from his side of the field. I sarcastically made a big show of just barely stopping the ball, and nailed it off to the side. The ball hit a kid so hard in the head that he had to go to the hospital. FML
Today, I found out that I wasn't going to be a father. My best friend is going to be the father to my girlfriend's child, though. FML
Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML
Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML
Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML
Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple of blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML
Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML
Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML
Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML
Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML
Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML
Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML
Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML
Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML
Today, I had a throbbing cluster headache. It didn't help matters when an angry customer yelled at me because a dress was "defective." Why was it defective? It didn't fit her. Why didn't it fit her? It was the wrong size. FML
Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML
Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML
Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML
Today, my wife and I are planning a simple team meal for our son's team. We're stuck on pulled pork or meatballs. I've told her I don't care. She's still indecisive. This has been going on for two days. We're now not talking, over meatballs. FML
Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML
Today, I want on a date with a man I met on the internet. While talking over drinks, I asked him what he did for a living. He said he was a salesman, and that he's really good at it. Interested, I asked him what it was he sold. "Cannabis." FML
Today, I got my graded essay from my teacher. Earlier, he'd said that it was "too specific", and that I should change it to be "more general and debatable". Now that I've got it back, the first comments on the paper are, "Your thesis is too general, be more specific." FML
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