Mademoiselle 31 ans En couple
Today, I was at Walmart with my stepmom. We were about to check out when a little sweet-looking old woman came up and asked if she could get in front of us. Seeing as she only had two items in her hands we said yes. Her husband then came up with two carts full of stuff, condoms on top. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended like it never happened. FML
Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML
Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML
Today, my mum got engaged to her American pen-pal, who is in prison over there for murder. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML
Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML
Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML
Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML
Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML
Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML
Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML
Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML
Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML
Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML
Today, a co-worker described, in vivid detail in the middle of the office, how he dribbles after peeing, and often has a burning sensation. FML
Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML
Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML
Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML
Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML
Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML
Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML
Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML
Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML
Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML
Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML
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