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Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

Use your powers wisely

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

Is negging still a thing?

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

End of the line

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a rollercoaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

Kaboom!

Today, trying to look cool, I threw my coke bottle in the air and tried catching it with one hand, but I missed and it fell to the floor. Luckily, it wasn't open, so in my unimaginable stupidity, I opened it in less than 5 seconds later. FML

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

Red flag

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that, "all Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same." My name is Christopher. FML

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

Today, my mates and I decided to get inked. I chose a chest tattoo of my last name, Coch. I'll let you guess what it looked like when I was finally able to inspect the damage. FML

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

Today, I took a picture of a carrot that closely resembled a penis and sent it to one of my friends. My parents saw the photo and grounded me, thinking it was an actual dick pic. They refuse to believe otherwise. FML

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

Romance

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

Today, whilst on holiday in Bali, I set off on my way to the day spa for 4 hours of much-needed relaxation. I tripped about a meter away from the entrance and broke my arm. FML

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

Soliciting

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

Today, I learned that there's a billboard-sized photo of me and my ex hanging in the airport advertising my college. Travelers from all over the world have now seen me smiling at graduation with the guy who cheated on me after 3 years together. FML

Meth: Not Even Once

Today, I had to sit beside this crazy man on the bus. After trying to ignore his ranting about being the Messiah, he suddenly stood up and cursed me as Satan, loudly screaming that he won't be tempted by my devilish ways. FML

OMG

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

Today, I got home from visiting family for 4 days. Before leaving, I had cleaned my whole apartment and done all of my laundry, except the clothes I worked in the day I left. By the time I got back, ants had set up a colony in said clothes and my laundry hamper. I even found some in my bed. FML

Today, after weeks of getting 4 auto-emails per day begging me to review my university's roommate matching service, I finally got one with a reply address. I sent an irate note and then realized I'd emailed the housing director. My housing contract is still pending. FML