Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone, my dog nabbed it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML
Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML
Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML
Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML
Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML
Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML
Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML
Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML
Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML
Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML
Today, I started my research project on horror stories and people's fascination with them. I did some research and wound up reading H.P. Lovecraft. On the upside, I can now pee more easily. On the downside, it's likely to be in my pants. FML
Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML
Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML
Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML
Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML
Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying, "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML
Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML
Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, while on my morning jog, I turned a corner, and out of nowhere, the business end of a bicycle hit me straight in the nuts. As I collapsed, gasping in agony, the guy who just killed a hundred million of my potential children got back on his bike and cycled away without a word. FML
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