Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, I met one of my favorite webcomic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth, he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML
Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML
Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML
Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML
Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML
Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML
Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML
Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML
Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friendzone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML
Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML
Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML
Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML
Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall…" Before I could say "…asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend was extremely nervous to meet my parents but I made him do it anyway. One of the first things out of his mouth was, "I'm glad you had sex." When they gave him a look of shock, he added, "You know, when you made your daughter! She's awesome!" FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML
Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML
Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML
Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML
Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML
Today, after spending four hours cooking food for a special family dinner, I went to take a shower before they arrived. I came back out less than twenty minutes later to find most of the food gone, and a very guilty-looking puppy. FML
Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML
Today, I got to explain to my co-worker again why I can't move my "vacation" so she can take hers when she wants. Apparently, in her mind, her seniority at the company trumps my due date. FML
Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
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