gdogd

Today, my boyfriend became a magician. His best trick? The disappearing act. FML

Pay attention

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

Chatty cat

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

Brain worms

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

Splatter

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

Dutch courage

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

Today, the girl I've been seeing for less than a week started raging and ended up threatening me with a knife, after I shot down her idea of getting married next month. FML