Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML
Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML
Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disneyland toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML
Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML
Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML
Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML
Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML
Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML
Today, I was home alone in the shower when in the opening of the curtain, I could see a man in a ski mask. I passed out, hit my head on the tub. I then found out it was my dad pulling a prank on me. I almost died cause my dad wanted to see me scream like a girl. FML
Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friend's place, along with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply? "I gotta work that day." FML
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML
Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML
Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I took a pregnancy test. I was disappointed it was negative, as my fiancé and I have been together for four years and have a strong relationship. He danced with happiness when he discovered the test was negative and tried to high-five me. FML
Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when he suddenly grabbed my front. He said, in a sexy voice, "Is that your boob?". He had grabbed a fat roll. FML
Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML
Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML
Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML
Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML
Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML
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