macho_nacho

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

Whoops

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

Missed you too

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I'd finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looked at me and asked, "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

Take the L

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Halfway through the show the reporter started talking about his girlfriend. The fattest man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend. FML

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had their reverse lights on. I thought to myself, "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

Heartwarming

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

Perv

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

Job satisfaction

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML

Today, I woke up and went to go have a shower. The trouble is, my bedroom door is broken and will no longer open. My mother's idea of helping was pushing a note under the door saying she'll be back in a couple of hours. FML

Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML