Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML
Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML
Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML
Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML
Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML
Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when I saw a man trying to get a screaming little girl into a van. I called 911 and ran over yelling at him. His wife then got out of the van and explained the girl was their daughter and they were just trying to make her go to school. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML
Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML
Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML
Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML
Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML
Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML
Today, my boyfriend called. He said he would sing me a song, like I'd wanted for a long time. I was excited, but surprised at his song choice. He sang 'Locked Away' by R. City ft. Adam Levine. Turns out, he was calling me from jail. He thought this was romantic, and expected me to bail him out. FML
Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML
Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML
Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML
Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML
Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML
Today, I popped two tires hitting a curb. I called my dad hysterical, and he told me to call my mom and hung up. My mom's been dead for seven years. FML
Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML
Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his dick and shocked him. FML
Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years-old. FML
Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML
Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML
Today, after having my tonsils removed, I coughed so hard in my sleep that I woke up spitting blood. Turned out I'd ripped my throat. They had to put me to sleep and cauterize the damaged area. Now I'm in even worse pain than before. FML
Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML
Today, I was telling my dad that scientists had discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all BS and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML
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