Rhett_15

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

Today, I proposed. She immediately said no and then broke up with me. FML

Insult to insult

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

Today, I scored the winning goal for a tournament. Too bad it was for the opposition team. If only looks could kill. FML

Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

Hungry boi

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

Healthy lifestyle tips

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

Twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

Wild Child

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty described her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years and I received our results from a DNA test. We're both very interested in history and ancestry, and wanted to see where in the world we both originated. It turns out we have the same father. FML

Baywatch

Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me, so I walked up to her and asked if everything was OK. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML

Whatcha been up to?

Today, I spilled vanilla yogurt on my pants while eating breakfast, but I forgot to clean it up. It left a very conspicuous white stain on my pants, that was there the entire day. I only noticed it when I looked in the mirror after getting home. FML

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

Today, my cousin's three kittens peed all over every single pair of shoes under my desk, including some expensive heels. I spent two and a half hours cleaning all eighteen pairs. FML

Today, I ran out of clean underwear and uncovered the pile of lingerie in the back of the drawer, none of which had been worn in over a year. Thanks, laundry day, for reminding me of how single I am. FML

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when he suddenly grabbed my front. He said, in a sexy voice, "Is that your boob?". He had grabbed a fat roll. FML

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

Today, my father complained to me about his lack of money. He makes twice as much as me, and doesn't pay rent, electricity or water. FML

Today, I went to the doctor. For the past year, my stomach would get upset every time I ate. Attempting to ease the pain, I would always eat a piece of bread. My doctor told me I have Celiac disease, which means I'm allergic to gluten. I'm allergic to bread. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML