Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML
Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML
Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML
Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML
Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML
Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers probably thought I'd had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML
Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML
Today, after not being active on Instagram in over two years, I was broken up with by my fiancé for following a man. FML
Today, my students are asking friends and family to come to a charity event. That would be all well if they weren't constantly mixing up "Rally Against Genocide" and "Support Genocide Victims" and telling everyone to come to the "Rally to Support Genocide". FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I was shocked and confused as we use condoms and I'm on the pill. I confided in my friend, who guiltily confessed that her daughter swapped my pills for sugar pills and pinned through the rubbers to guarantee herself 5 more years of babysitting. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years went on a 2-week trip to Italy to spend time with his family. Thinking nothing of it, I decided to go to a Comic Con alone. I saw him there with another girl. FML
Today, I'm in such pain due to my period cramps that I haven't been able to eat anything. My religious mother refuses to allow me to take birth control to help regulate the pain as it would "tempt" me to "become sexually active". FML
Today, I came home from an overnight trip to find my room a complete mess. My coked up housemate had invited strangers to stay over when they told her they didn't have place to sleep. They stole my money, speakers, Polaroid camera, and passport. They left a packet of biscuits. FML
Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML
Today, I booked my holiday flights. There's 700 miles between the small country I live in and the family I'm visiting, normally one 3-hour flight. Thanks to hurricanes Irma and Maria, the only available route traverses 1700 miles and will take 26 continuous hours. FML
Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML
Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML
Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML
Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML
Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML
Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML
Today, I finally found out why the water in my bottle had been tasting strangely minty for the past few weeks when I saw a piece of gum sitting at the bottom of it. I don't chew gum. FML
Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find the guy I have feelings for sleeping with my roommate. I signed a lease with them for next year and can't back out now. FML
Today, I told my mom that once I leave school, I want to join the clergy, and how much it meant to me. Her response: "Never knew you wanted to molest kids so much!" FML
Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML
Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML
Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML
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