jiequals3

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

Long time, no hear

Today, three of the four stalls were occupied in the restroom. I took the fourth stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I heard, "Hey, how's it going?" I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs, some hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I'd told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

Hello, goodbye

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

Forever alone

Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looked at me, then turned to everyone and said, "But not our Becky! She's more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

What did you just say?

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

Choking hazard

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

Thanks, son

Today, I was supposed to catch a 4:40 flight to New York. My 5 year-old son handed me my carry on bag as I left the house. Turns out he had put his older brother's BB gun into my bag to "keep me safe." I missed my flight after I was detained and strip-searched. FML

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year-old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

Invasion

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

Running gag

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped, grabbed the ball for the kid and went to hand it to him. He then yelled, "Stranger danger!" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30 minutes. FML

Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, "I know you're 18". He then said, "Man, I've pretty much watched you grow up in this store." A game salesman watched me grow up. FML

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

I get around

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

Dumbass

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML