Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said, "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML
Today, I went to see Jackass 3 in 3D. While the previews were playing, some guy sitting next to me leaned over and began telling me what happens in every scene, completely ruining the movie for me. He tried to get my number afterwards. FML
Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML
Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML
Today, on my first day of work, my new boss treated me to lunch. Thinking she was really nice, I thanked her for the treat. She fixed me with a cold, unsmiling stare and said, "Oh, don't thank me. I'm being paid to do this." FML
Today, my younger brother called me saying he's getting married. Now, I have to attend my ex's wedding. I'm the best man. FML
Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML
Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML
Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML
Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of Coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML
Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML
Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML
Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML
Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML
Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML
Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML
Today, my mother used climate change as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML
Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML
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