Monsieur Michigan, USA Célibataire
Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML
Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2 a.m., I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML
Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML
Today, I realized how invisible/forgettable I am. At work, I went to ask my supervisor what I was working on today. My supervisor admitted that he forgot I was working today. My supervisor is my brother. We drove to work together this morning. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We started going at it and we were both butt naked when I saw a car pull into the lot. Not only was it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asked my girlfriend was, "Are you being held against your will?" FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy, and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML
Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML
Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML
Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML
Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two month-old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww, your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year-old girl. FML
Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML
Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML
Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML
Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML
Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML
Today, I was developing film at Walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking my sweatshirt off. A creepy old man approached me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML
Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class, I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML
Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML
Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML
Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML
Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML
Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML
Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML
Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I told him, he impatiently said, "Is it over yet?" FML
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