DarkCaesar

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

Where is she now?

Today, I went to the movies. I was sat next to a woman who talked through the film and said, "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

Today, I watched my neighbor bring his dogs into my yard to let them empty their piss-pipes and poop-chutes. He does this twice a day. I put a "cut it out" sign up. His dogs peed on the sign and knocked it down. My lawn is a landmine of dog logs and I don't know what to do, besides installing actual landmines. FML

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

Classic

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

Merry sigma grindset!

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, I'd be spending it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Outlaw

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

Oh no!

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

How dare you

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

That old chestnut

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

Today, I went shopping with my two-year-old nephew. He threw a tantrum in the middle of the store because I would not show him my "boobies". A man came up to us and said I should do what my nephew wanted. FML

Rain stops play

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

Today, my stalker ex girlfriend turned up at my wedding, uninvited, wearing a wedding dress. FML

Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML

Let's say, hypothetically…

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML