Monsieur Michigan, USA Célibataire
Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML
Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML
Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML
Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML
Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML
Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML
Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML
Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML
Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I dropped it off as usual, but my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6-year-old patient. FML
Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML
Today, I went to a Bat Mitzvah. We played a game where all of the girls grabbed one of their shoes and placed it in the middle. Then, all of the guys had to pick a shoe. Whatever guy picked the shoe, the girl had to dance with. No one picked my shoe. Everyone else was dancing except for me. FML
Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother called them "sinners" claiming they'll "burn in hell twice". Then she said, "God doesn't like gays." I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML
Today, my boyfriend said, "You know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML
Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. Her birthday was actually two months ago, but she decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML
Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because he "didn't believe in marriage." FML
Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
Today, my manager came in and said, "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said, "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who'd left the room. FML
Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML
Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year-old boy. FML
Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML
Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML
Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML
Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML
Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food, I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - Nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML
Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML
Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML
Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML
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