Kittyphysics

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

Today, I complained to the train company online. I filled in information and added several photos as evidence. I only realised later that the photos I attached were nudes. FML

Judgemental

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

Cool your jets, lady

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

Today, I decided to try something new with my boyfriend, and sexted him. My text ended up sounding so stupid that I panicked and quickly sent another saying "SORRY WRONG PERSON". FML

Declined

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

Today, during a family game of "Cards Against Humanity," I had to explain to my mom what queefing is. FML

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

Sleeping Beauty

Today, I fell asleep in class, and woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute after I got into the front seat of an elderly man's car. The man was my grandfather, and he was taking me to a doctor's appointment, since I wasn't going to be allowed to drive home after it. FML

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

Lonely hearts

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

Alone time

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

Special moment

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

It's coming!

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

Happy Caturday!

Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML

Today, I yawned so hard that I dislocated my jaw completely, then had to ask to be excused from class in front of 30 people with my mouth hanging open. FML