derpip

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

Say it, don't spray it

Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML

Good boy

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the ass. FML

Trousers? Suit you sir!

Today, when I threw my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My pants got completely burnt. FML

Overdoing it

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

The pirate look

Today, I scratched my cornea and have to wear a large bandage covering my eye. I'm off today, but I'll probably have to wear it to school tomorrow. FML

Cocktail hour

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine. It wasn't, and someone had put their cigarette out in it. FML

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML