Madame Under Your Bed, Fantasy Land En couple
Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML
Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML
Today, I was fired from my dream job for being pregnant. Apparently, you can't teach children while growing one inside you. FML
Today, I learned companies can legally lie to fire an employee, and unless anything they say is on record, they are legally correct, no matter how unethical the company is. FML
Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time." FML
Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML
Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML
Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML
Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML
Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML
Today, after studying for hours a day for the past month, sacrificing weekends and time with my husband, I finally took the exam required for a possible promotion at work. Out of over a hundred questions, I only knew the answer to 3 of them for sure. Boy, am I glad I studied so hard. FML
Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML
Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML
Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML
Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML
Today, it's job interview day. In the elevator on the way there, I overheard potential candidates talking about the boss of the company, mocking his alleged lack of credibility. Who's the boss? Me. They don't know that yet. FML
Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML
Today, I got fired from my job a week before I started my new position in a different area of the company. My supervisor found out I was going to be making more money than her. FML
Today, I discovered that I don't have enough financial aid to continue going to college past this semester. I'm one semester away from graduating. FML
Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML
Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML
Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML
Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML
Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML
Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML
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