Zeroace

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

Today, I had to move back in with my dad and brother. After getting settled, I had to shower. I got everything ready and when I got in, it smelled strongly of pee. The stink was so intense I could barely breathe. Cleaning doesn't even help. I'm stuck here for at least a month. I hate living with men. FML

Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high-pitched voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

Revenge

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him "Meow" over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin, and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

Juicy

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my roommates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him, horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

Quite the handful

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

Today, I finally found out where my great-grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year-old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

I'm a wreck

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML