iAzn

Sorority

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

Get a life

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML

Thanks, appreciate it!

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

Support system error

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

Oh no…

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. Everything was going perfectly, right up until he brought me back to his house to tell his family the good news. When I excused myself to the restroom, I overheard his mom say, "I thought you were going to break up with that stupid slut?" Welcome to the family. FML

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

Memories that hurt

Today, I was looking at an old post between my ex and me on Facebook. Everything I was reading was adorable. Just as I was reminiscing about the great relationship we had, I look to the right of the screen to see the girl he cheated on me with in "People you may know." Thanks Facebook. FML

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

False economy

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman. I was proven wrong when he told me to "shut it" during dinner, stiffed me on the bill, and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home. FML

Lost

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

Praise the Lord

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

Debate bros

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his roommate. It's been 45 minutes and it's still going. FML